


The Untimely End of the Embarrassing Captain America Fanboy: Troll Edition

by mybrotherharry



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Falling In Love, For reasons, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Love, Lust, M/M, Pining, Romance, Team Bonding, Troll!Steve, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 05:34:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11639967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrotherharry/pseuds/mybrotherharry
Summary: People don't know this about Captain America, but Cap is a TROLL. He is an A-class, tongue in cheek troll.





	The Untimely End of the Embarrassing Captain America Fanboy: Troll Edition

**Author's Note:**

> This idea originated from a long shower I took once. Don't ask me why or how. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not know anything about rules or protocols when it comes to heirarchy in the US Army. Everything I have used is from our trusted friend, Google. I could be completely wrong about everything in here. Just - suspension of disbelief please. 
> 
> I really don't own Marvel or any of these characters. If given the opportunity to own, DIBS on Clint. Clint is my soulmate.

The thing is, everyone and their mother loves Captain America.

People love him. Plain adore him.

Mothers. Girlfriends. Boyfriends. Boy scouts. PFLAG moms. Social workers. Chairman of the New York City Association of Labor Union workers. Fucking Director of SHIELD. Everyone.

Tony doesn't really have a problem with it, because he can see it too. And as someone who had a Captain America action figure while growing up, and who _may or may not_ still possess said action figure secreted away in the bottom drawer of one of his closets, he can sort of see the appeal of the all-American hero.

It is worse because Tony no longer has the luxury of just admiring the hero from afar. Now that he has seen Steve in his sweatpants making omelettes in the morning; now that he has seen Steve weep during Toy Story on movie night; now that he has seen Steve awkwardly bump into tables and chairs like the clumsy, oversized dork he is, Tony can't also not be a little bit in love.

It is irritating, really. Tony might almost catch _feelings_.

Ew.

But anyway, he digresses from the subject at hand.

The point is that _everyone_ loves Captain America. But this love turns into something maniacal (read: weird, obsessive and borderline creepy) when it is a member of the armed forces.

~

Tony notices it in _literally_  every person in uniform, lucky enough to run into Steve at SHIELD.

It starts with the said individual developing a sudden inability to form complete sentences in his presence.

"Cap - Cap - oh my God - Captain Rogers!" The unfortunate victim today is General Rebecca Worley, in full dress uniform, who'd jumped to her feet the moment the Avengers had walked into the SHIELD conference room.

"Steve, please," Cap insists, his face hot and his expression embarrassed. The poor man is fully aware of what's coming.

Tony, upon cue, pulls out his ever-present bag of blueberries and begins popping them one by one, catching them when they're in the air. Clint, his reliable partner in crime, snickers and nudges him to share the bag. They both love the ' _unsuspecting member of the Armed forces meets Steve_ ' show.

It is the best entertainment the Avengers get during weeks that don't include Thor.

"Cap - Cap - Cap - my God, sir - I mean, Captain - sir - it's an honor - it's you -"

Steve is turning a very unique shade of purple, and he clears his throat to stubbornly carry on.

"General," he states. "Please. Take a seat. We're just waiting for Director Fury to start the debrief -"

"Sir, I can't tell you - I admire - role model - wanted to be in the military - always so proud - thank you - service -"

She isn't even forming complete sentences now. Steve is looking everywhere but right at her.

Subtly, he raises pleading eyebrows at Natasha, resolutely ignoring both Tony and Clint. Widow sighs and takes the General by the elbow to the opposite corner of the conference room, engaging her in a whispered conversation. Steve visibly exhales and drops into a chair like his strings have been cut.

Clint guffaws loudly. 

Tony takes pity on the guy and drops into the chair beside him.

"That happen a lot to you, Cap?" he asks, trying very hard to keep the laughter undetectable in his voice.

"I am sick of it," he says, face in his hands. "I dunno why it keeps happening. It never used to be like that before. People on the street are better than guys in the service. It's ridiculous. Even _Phil_ for God's sake!"

Coulson's uncontrollable, fanboyish, speechless adoration of Cap, while extremely amusing to the rest of the Avengers, does make Steve uncomfortable and Phil embarrassed. Clint snickers again and Tony throws a paper rocket at his head. He's been fashioning paper rockets out of SHIELD forms since he entered the building. He's got a jacket full of them.

"It's because half the force was inspired by you in some part to sign up," Tony replies, folding more paper into rockets. SHIELD debriefs are SO boring.

"They did not."

"They did, actually," Tony points out. "There was a poll a few years back. A research study of sorts. Part of psychological profiling and all that shindig. Stark Industries funded some of the research."

"That - " Steve starts his sentence but trails off, clearly lost about how to complete it.

"It's true enough for Phil," Clint says, more serious than Tony's ever heard him. "I have been to his childhood home. I have seen all the comics. And a very memorable Bucky Barnes quilt."

"You're kidding me," Tony laughs, eyes filled with mirth.

"Made out of every imaginable fabric of blue swath his mom could find," Clint provides. "Be nice to me Stark, and one day, I will produce pictures."

"Baby Coulson was probably badass in the quilt."

"Undoubtedly."

"You know Steve," Tony offers to Cap. "If it bothers you so much, you can just try telling them that they're making you uncomfortable."

"I _have_ done that," Steve shakes his head, expression turning morose. "Then they start apologizing for making me uncomfortable and just. Don't. Stop. I feel terrible."

"Steve Rogers," Tony laughs. "You have gotta learn to not be so nice all the time."

Poor Steve only puts his face in his hands and groans.

~  
Tony doesn't see this coming.

He'd figured that Steve was going to spend the rest of his life blushing and stammering in discomfort through every meeting with somone from the Army, Navy or the Air Force.

Tony knows better after Steve's first encounter with Rhodey.

A well-known secret (at least to Tony) is the fact that an eighteen year old James Rhodes had Captain America posters on his dorm room wall at MIT. Tony knows that Rhodey weeps through every single, horrible Cap movie (even the ghastly 1963 one with the Blue Skull instead of Red.) Tony knows that Rhodey signed up because of Cap.

So forgive him if he's been looking forward to this meeting with something approaching mad villain laughter.

He finally manages to drag Rhodey out of the workshop and into the elevator. Rhodey, for the first time in the years he has come to visit Tony, has shown up in uniform. Tony isn't stupid enough to think that his best friend dressed up for HIM.

"Jay," Tony asks when they get into the elevator. "Where's the rest of the team?"

"Everyone is assembled in the rec room for movie night. Currently, Agent Barton and Thor are in a heated discussion over the merits of Harry Potter over Star Wars."

"We all know Thor will win," Tony chuckles. "Come on, Rhodeybuns, let's get you introduced to the good Captain."

"Do NOT call me that in front of him," Rhodey says, looking horrified at the prospect. "Oh my God, Tony, I think I am gonna throw up."

"You never got this excited for me, you know," Tony pouts.

"I have been seeing your ugly mug for years," he says, and Tony's got to admit that the man does look a bit sick. "It's Captain _goddamn_ America, you know."

"If you're nice to me, I won't tell him about the creepy fan club you started in college."

"I swear to God, I will kill you -"

The doors to the elevator swoosh open into the common Avengers recreation room. They're all spread across the space, Clint crouched near the TV, fiddling with the settings. Natasha and Jane are cross-legged on the couch in deep conversation. Bruce is pouring tea from an electric kettle into a couple of mugs and passing them around. Thor is filling bowls with popcorn from the popcorn maker in the corner. Only person is absent is Phil, who is away leading a Rangers mission to Top-Fucking-Secret-Classified.

Steve who'd been engrossed in a chat with Bruce looks up upon their arrival. He takes in Rhodey's uniform, looks at Tony with a devious grin, takes a deep breath and falls into the most perfect and graceful military salute Tony's seen since the time he was summoned to the Pentagon for having hacked their firewalls.

"Sir," he calls out in his Captain voice, chest puffed out, hand in salute, looking straight ahead.

Rhodey trips over air, and Tony catches him by the back of his uniform shirt.

"Cap," Tony says, struggling to suppress a laugh, because the man is a TROLL. He is an underhanded, devious troll. "Don't do that. Rhodey's gonna combust."

Steve doesn't respond or react, maintaining his stance because OF COURSE he doesn't. Tony is sort of grudgingly impressed.

Rhodey is sputtering for air, as Tony gently nudges him toward one of the couches. Tony pushes him to sit by pressing down his shoulder firmly, but like a spring, he recoils back up again as if it is unthinkable to sit down in front of Captain America in full salute.

It probably is to him.

"Jesus," is the first coherent word out of him. "Shit," is the second.

None of the others in the room are dumb. They immediately catch on to what's going on. Bruce poorly hides a chuckle behind a cough. Clint is shameless and therefore has no such compulsions. The corners of Natasha's lips are raised, a slight dimple on her left cheek, which for her is equivalent to a full belly shaking laugh. Jane is smiling, and Thor is boisterous even if he doesn't fully get the extent of what Steve is pulling.

Who is still standing in full salute, not moving a muscle.

"You gotta order him at ease," Clint offers, still from his prone position on the floor, laughing, arms over his stomach. "You outrank him."

"Shit shit shit shit," Rhodey curses. Tony sees the moment his brain catches up with him and he curses some more because he's realized he said SHIT in front of Captain America.

"Steve, you absolute bastard," Tony laughs. "Hang on, Rhodey's having a moment."

"Oh my God," Rhodey's put his head in his hands. "I do outrank him. Shit, I outrank Captain America. What the - you really should have been promoted for God's sake! - "

Rhodey looks like his entire life is flashing before his eyes.

"He's still standing, you know," Bruce helpfully reminds them, grinning widely.

Gently, Rhodey rises to his feet, and still shaking, he says, "At ease, Captain."

Steve slowly relaxes into a position of ease, and his smile widens, as he steps forward and says, "Captain Steve Rogers, sir."

"Oh wow," is all that Rhodey manages before he has to immediately sit back down again. "I mean, yes, yes, I know who you are Captain, please have a seat."

Smiling, Steve sits down on the couch opposite Rhodey, grinning innocently like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

"You're an evil, evil man, Rogers," Natasha says from her spot, and Steve turns to look at her with a joyful ' _who me? Aww shucks_ ' expression that makes Tony want to kiss him right then. "Are you alright, James?"

"Hands-off, best friend stealer," Tony swats at Natasha. She and Rhodey have bonded over the whole ' _Tony is dying_ ' incident, which to be honest, Tony thinks he deserves some credit for actually NOT dying, but nobody ever listens to him.

Rhodey looks at him expectantly with wide eyes and then looks at Steve again and then looks back at Tony. In order to just save him from having a possible heart attack and because Rhodes looks like words are very, very difficult, Tony does the honors.

"Steve," he says. "This is Colonel James Rhodes, my best friend and the pilot of the War Machine armor. Rhodey, Captain Steve Troll Rogers, in the flesh."

Rhodes sputters a little bit more but finally manages to say, "It's an honor, Captain."

"Please," Steve smiles. "Call me Steve, sir."

"Oh God," Rhodey exclaims. "No, please, don't call me sir, I am not - oh God, please - Jim. Just Jim."

"Only if you call me Steve, Jim," he returns, and just like that, Rhodey smiles and settles a little bit comfortably into the couch.

~  
It works beautifully.

Steve does it to literally every potential, uniformed member of the Captain America fanclub: the Armed Forces chapter.

It works everytime.

Mainly because the ardent admirer is too busy trying to get Steve to NOT salute that they forget to fawn over him like a schoolgirl with a crush.

Sometimes, Steve is a demonic troll and starts to call them 'Sir' which has so far reduced two four star Generals to the brink of nervous breakdown. It gets the job done though, because in their insistence that he not call them Sir, Steve gets away with making them not call him "Captain".

Again, Tony is grudgingly impressed, and VERY, very turned on.

It is highly inappropriate, but there is a power rush associated with Captain America saluting you.

Steve has never actually saluted Tony, but Tony's been salute adjacent. He's stood beside a Colonel, a couple of Generals and a freaking warrant officer. Every time, as Steve gets to his feet and respectfully falls into a salute, Tony has the most inappropriate mancrush hard-on to go with his stupid feelings.

He and Clint start seeking out opportunities where Steve will potentially meet a uniformed member of the services, just so that they can be in the room when Steve trolls the crap out of well-meaning but creepy personal space-encroaching officials.

They never really get what he is doing until he's reduced them to the point of total relief by NOT saluting, that they don't even realize they're having a regular conversation with Captain America about croissants.

Tony's never been more fiercely attracted to someone in his entire life.

~  
Clint has been looking forward to Phil's return.

Not only because it would mean having Phil back after weeks away, but also because it would be the first meeting with Steve after the latter has started trolling the hell out of his fangirls.

And nobody fangirls Cap like Phil Coulson.

Oh, the stories Clint could tell.

They meet for the first time over a debrief on the helicarrier.

Phil had got back from his super secret Rangers' _so-classified-only-Fury-and-the-President-know_ mission, only to be pulled straight to Pittsburgh where the Avengers were trying to deal with a situation of rabid doombots.

Literally.

These were doombots with fur and several characteristics in common with dogs inflicted by Rabies. Clint has to pinch himself some days because this is his life.

They are all grimy and sweaty from the mission, and for once, even Tony is quiet, reading from a holoscreen projected by his upturned Iron Man helmet. Bruce is passed out beside him on a chair in the conference room. Nat vanished as soon as they returned. Steve is fussing like a mother hen at Clint's scalp, trying to pull out glass shards from his hair.

If it were literally anyone else, Clint would have gotten out of dodge already, but Steve does a fantastic guilt tripping hurt pout, and Clint is a sucker for _Mr. Blue eyes Blonde hair_.

Seriously, the man is a gigantic, manipulative trolling bastard determined to get his way.

Suddenly, out of thin air, Natasha drops from the ceiling. The rest of the team don't even blink, having been conditioned to Clint and Nat's proclivity for the vents.

"Phil's on his way," Nat says, pulling out a bag of microwave popcorn from inside her coat. She throws a disposable camera - one of those kind that spew out a photo on paper right away - to Clint. "He is still in Rangers uniform, beret included. ETA one minute."

"You brought popcorn," Tony grins. "You're brilliant."

Clint checks the camera, secreting it away in a pocket of his combat pants.

Natasha is never wrong. At fifty eight seconds, they hear footfalls. At the sixty second mark, the door slides open to permit Phil, his uniform jacket wrinkled slightly, several ribbons adorning his chest, beret lopsided, expression conveying bone deep exhaustion like he is in no mood to deal with the Avengers today. Clint almost feels bad for doing this to him.

"Agent Agent on the wall, who's the best of them all -"

"Stark," Phil says, dropping his folders on the conference room table with a loud thud. "Don't make me bring out the REALLY long debrief presentation."

They wait for the exact minute Phil spots Steve across the room, and sure enough, Clint sees his expression change minutely, a strange fluster in his hands before Phil schools his face.

It's a couple of seconds too long, because Steve is on his feet much before Phil looks away. A part of Clint thinks Steve is not even trolling this instant, a part of him can't help it if that many ribbons are on display on someone he admires.

Clint is not even _trying_ to surreptitious with the camera. Steve salutes, and Phil looks like he walked into a dream, and the flash on the camera goes with a loud click.

For the first time in all the years Clint has known him, Phil looks speechless.

He clicks again.

"Stop that, Barton," Phil speaks after another few snaps, and it is the first sound in the near silent room, even as Tony hides sniggers behind his palm and Natasha crunches popcorn loudly on purpose. "Cap - Steve, you don't have to do that."

Steve doesn't move.

"You outrank him," Bruce says sleepily from under his blanket on the chair. He is hidden behind it, his face not even visible. To all intents and purposes, none of them knew he was even awake.

Clint loves the 'you outrank him' moment of realization, because they are all the same, these military types. They usually go from incomprehension to dawning realization to horror back to incomprehension. Because this is Phil, he hits all the benchmarks faster than the average person.

"Somebody _really_ should have promoted you," Phil says and Tony mouths the words along. Nobody is surprised. They have seen this song and dance before.

Dazedly, like he can't quite believe it, he says, "At ease, Captain," and Steve crosses his hands behind his back, relaxing.

But it is far from over. Natasha gently nudges one of the office chairs toward Phil, who drops into it with a sigh.

"It's okay, Phil," Clint says, throwing an arm around Phil's shoulders. "He only pulls this crap when you lot are in uniform."

"Us lot?"

"You know," Clint waves a hand. "Creepy Captain America fanclub: the Armed Forces chapter."

Phil looks at him and then looks at Steve, who is still wearing with the most innocent expression. Phil looks back at Clint, and at Steve before realization dawns.

"That's - devious," he concludes. "Absolutely devious. Well, Cap - Steve, I think you should sit down now. I get your point."

"First names only, sir?" Steve asks, smirking.

"If you stop calling me sir."

"Yes, Phil."

They get on with the briefing, and Clint interrupts only to ask Phil to keep the uniform on until after they get home.

~

"You will make a fantastic Slytherin," Tony observes. "You cunning, determined bastard," he says, admiration clear in his voice.

"I don't see how that's a problem," Steve smiles back. "Slytherins are resourceful."

"Wait," Tony says. "You understood that reference? Who's been showing you the Harry Potter movies?"

"Don't be uncultured, Stark. Read the books!"

Tony throws a pen at his retreating head, which he manages to duck.

Bastard.

~

The problem is that Steve saluting someone, anyone, is an insanely hot thing to witness.

He moves with such fluidity and grace, leaping up from a couch, a chair or a stool, and once from leaning against the side of the quinjet, and falls into such a beautifully sinewed salute that Tony needs to hold a jacket in front of his crotch. The problem is at the times that Steve pulls this stunt, there is usually no jacket to be found.

Tony is many, many things, but he is not in denial of his own kinks.

So he won't pretend, even to himself, that it's not a power thing.

Because it's a power thing.

Captain America saluting you, standing absolutely still, not even an eyelid fluttering, not until you release him to ease; yeah, let's just say Tony gets it.

Of course, Rhodey and Phil and all the other dozen or so members of the Captain America fanclub will find his reasons for "getting it" extremely dishonorable.

"Ewwww," Rhodes spews at him over the phone. "He's a national icon. Oh my god, do not defile a national icon for a lay!"

"It's not that!" Tony protests. "I might have - it's really - I am catching feelings!"

A moment of silence follows that announcement.

"Feelings like you caught for that kid in your AP Thermodynamics course or feelings like you caught for Pepper two years ago?"

"Pepper," Tony admits resignedly. "Pepper, but like multiplied by three."

"Noooo!"

"I bought the Brooklyn Dodgers."

Another moment of silence.

"I am applying for a twenty-four hour leave. If I get in the armor, I should be there by six."

"You're the best, pumpkin. The very best friend a man with a metal heart could ask for."

"I know. See you soon."

~

Rhodey gets him raging drunk. Because Rhodey is a bro like that, he listens to Tony whine in increasingly lewd detail about what he'd like to do to a national icon.

"Just ask him out," Rhodey says the next morning as Tony is slumped over his coffee mug, hungover. He smacks him upside the head affectionately, and gives him a hug from behind. "Like a normal person. Invite him to dinner, and share a meal. Do not - I repeat, do not mention the fact that you bought him a baseball team, and under no circumstance, request that he salute you. It's easy enough. Almost everybody else on the planet does it."

Tony grunts into his coffee.

"Idiot."

Rhodey smacks him again and leaves for his air force base.

Tony grunts some more into his coffee. The vent in the ceiling lets out a chuckle.

"Shut up Clint!"

~

They meet the President.

Because they're the fucking Avengers, _of course_ they meet the President. Tony thought it would have happened a lot sooner, but they've all been busy saving the world.

Tony's known the President from the days when he was the Senator from Illinois, and one of the only vocal voices on clean energy. So when the Avengers regroup aboard Air Force One in the aftermath of a national emergency and potential Defcon 1, it is him that the President greets with a smile and a hug.

He is still in his armor, and it is smoking in places, and he is certain he is bleeding from at least three places visibly.

"Tony," the President greets warmly.

"Ba - Mr. President," he corrects. Contrary to popular opinion, there are _some_ politicians that he refrains from calling assclowns. "Your men are nervous about my wearing the armor in front of you."

He laughs, and looks at his Head of Secret Service.

"If Ron could manage it, he will put me in a bubble of bullet proof glass and never let me leave," he hugs Tony, not minding the smoking armor. "You alright?"

"Yes sir."

"Avengers," he says. "Thank you for your service."

He is introduced one by one to the rest of them. He smiles at Natasha like this isn't the first time he's interacted with her, but as always, her face is unreadable to Tony. He gives Clint a high-five, and Phil a firm handshake. He is momentarily surprised by Thor's boisterousness, but neutralizes his expression quickly.

Then comes the moment Tony's been bracing himself for since the moment they boarded the aircraft to protect the President.

Tony's seen Steve salute generals and warrant officers and colonels with a hint of a smile and cheeky resolve. But saluting the Commander in Chief, Steve is firm and serious, completely unmoving, staring straight ahead.

This might be the most genuine salute he's seen the man give.

The President salutes back, and looks surprised at himself for doing so, as though the habit is ingrained from years of having people in uniform fall into attention the moment he walks into a room.

"At ease, Captain," he says, and he sounds utterly staggered. Tony is perhaps one of the few people in the world who know that the President had been a young Cap fanboy, and that he'd used several historic anecdotes of Cap's own struggles from the Depression, in speeches during his community organizer days in Chicago.

Tony glances sideways to meet Phil's eyes, a knowing smirk playing on his lips. They have both made the same connection. The President is a Cap fanboy and is having a moment.

The President looks back at the Head of Secret Service, and around the room at his staff, and back at Steve who has relaxed his stance.

"I can't believe that just happened," he sounds dazed. "Can you - _This_ is the one moment in my Presidency that a photographer isn't around! Captain, I assure you, my nine year old self would be dancing in joy if he were here."

Steve flushes, and Tony who's learned to read his expressions, realizes that Steve is actually flattered, that he genuinely likes and respects this President.

"The honor is mine, Mr. President."

"Thank you for your service, Captain," he says and looks at the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. "Speaking of, isn't it time we promoted the man? He's been Captain for what - a hundred years?"

"It's a publicity thing, sir -"

"I hate that," he says. "Give the man what he deserves."

"Really sir, I am fine."

The President takes Steve's gloved hands in his, and smiles.

"When I read the briefing, I didn't really believe it. A part of me thought SHIELD was making up the whole thing. You can't imagine half the briefings that cross my desk. I am very grateful you're back with us, Captain."

"It's my honor to serve sir."

"Thank you for your work today," he says. "All of you."

They patiently wait for Fury to brief the Secret Service and the President. The whole time, it is completely apparent to rest of the Avengers that nearly every decorated member in the briefing - the intelligence officers, Joint Chiefs, Generals, Head of Secret Service - is in a daze of self-consciousness that Captain America is in the room.

The President himself is smiling a little too broadly for the kind of day they're having.

Tony looks at Steve's oblivious expression and falls in love a little bit more.

~

Tony does not google _"Honorary military ranks for civilians"._

He does not.

Because that would be stupid.

Because it turns out that even if someone were to give a civilian a honorary military award or rank, a uniformed soldier would have no reason to salute said civilian.

Which Tony absolutely _did not_ find out from the google search he _did not_ do.

Whatever.

~

They play Truth or Dare.

When it's Steve's turn and he picks 'Dare', every single Avenger and hangar-on in the room (except for Tony himself) collude and present Steve with the following challenge: to give Tony a full, formal military salute.

Tony is going to fill all of their toothpaste tubes with super glue, see if he doesn't.

But hang on.

Tony is flushing red because contrary to popular belief, he hasn't had shame surgically removed yet. He knows why he is sweating and suddenly hot; it's because he thinks Steve saluting anyone is a thing of marvelous, arousing beauty.

But that doesn't explain why Steve is the color of beet right now.

Clint sniggers. Natasha does NOT elbow him into silence.

That gives Tony a little bit of a clue, and just a dash of daring.

Steve gets up off the floor, out of the circle they'd formed to play games, like the twelve year olds they are. Steve's expression is solidly neutral, like he is preparing himself to go to war, but his face flushed scarlet gives it away. Tony gets up too, and places a hand on Steve's chest and tips his chin up with his other. Steve looks decidedly at everything else except Tony.

"Hey," Tony whispers gently, ignoring the rest of them in the room. "So you _want_ to salute me or something? Or is this flush just a side-effect of the heat in here?"

Steve flushes a deeper red at that, and honest to God, ducks his head in shyness. Tony is going to hell. Totally.

"So you wanna maybe salute me in private?"

Steve looks up at him, eyes shining in mirth, face still red but a grin spreading across his face. Slowly, he nods, and the Avengers break into wolf whistles and catcalls.

Tony nudges Steve toward the elevators, and turns around one last time to flip them off.

"What just happened?" Thor asked, dazed.

"Tony just became President of the Creepy Captain America fanclub," Clint hollers. Tony would have thrown something at him, but he is too busy making out with Steve in the elevator to care.

Back in the room, money quietly exchanges hands. Coulson cleans house with them all.

Good.

He has plans for some excellent, vintage trading cards, and Cap merchandise is not exactly cheap, you know.  
~

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment. 
> 
> And come say hi on [Tumblr.](http://baffledkingcomposinghallelujah.tumblr.com/)


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